I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
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I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
A couple who are silly together stay together.
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.