You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
You Might Also Like
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge