Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
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Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
…..pretty much.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.