Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
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*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog