Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
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Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
This kid will have a bright future.
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
Good morning, Twitter x