An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
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So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!