Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
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(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm