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Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?