[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
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Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
oh you wanna fight?!
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
Need this in my life lol
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient