I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
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When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
One venti cheeseburger please.
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
Finally, an explanation.
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis