Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
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“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler