i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
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Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.