plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
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Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
“I’m helping” 😅
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
I’m not alone. I have ants.
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree