[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
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“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
The Onion called it…again.
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific