Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
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DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
Smile Twitter, Smile.
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
oh u like history? name everything that happened
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.