Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
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“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time