Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
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I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
pat pat
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
🤣🤣
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*