Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
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if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
Human are so complicated
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
I might carry a baby with one hand.