They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
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True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?