Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
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I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
Teamwork makes the dream work.
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.