Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
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Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
why no one uses midhusbands
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
A tanning bed that turns you over like a rotisserie chicken.
Where are you going, sharks? I’m not done.
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.