At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
You Might Also Like
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now