People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
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Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻