Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
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As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.