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No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
can I use a minion as a tampon
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol