The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
You Might Also Like
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Nothing to do, you say?
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.