Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
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I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
It has been 3 years since Monday.
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.