And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
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me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
they should invent a rest for the wicked
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.