RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
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My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
lmfao come on
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
British websites use biscuits.
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*