”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
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Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.