The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
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I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
Erm I’m gonna say no
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
Catering service
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….