Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
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[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
Can’t, holding a grudge
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it鈥檚 cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you鈥檙e right.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don鈥檛 have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you鈥檙e wondering why I鈥檓 concerned for the bloodline.
Why is being alive so expensive? I鈥檓 not even having a good time.
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it馃槶馃槶馃槶
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.