Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
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Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
screw you
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face