landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
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[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
car not found
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00