How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
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I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
Hello Twits.
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
every. time.
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
Body by Oreos
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?