sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
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Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
(Electricians.)
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made