You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
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Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
A French press is when you hug naked
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.