i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
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If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
so weird how every mom was born today
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
Are you a cat person or a person person?
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage