There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
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[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
Great Canadian literature.
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
Said the murderer.
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it