I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
You Might Also Like
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
I’M CRYINGGG
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
The three genders
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
Thinking about Jeff
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.