I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
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I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
My life in a nutshell
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down