Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
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Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!