My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
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oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”