Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
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I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
I think I’m having a stroke
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.