Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
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Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat