MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
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In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time