A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
You Might Also Like
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck