if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
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i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
CUTE CAT‼︎
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
Nice try Hitler
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.