Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
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Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
I hope it’s French Onion!