Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
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I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
he chose this
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.